I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
