Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I currently don't understand fingers.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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