what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
