Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
