Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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