nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
