So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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