I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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