Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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