I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
