whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
