I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
