I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
