I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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