she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
