There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
