Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
