So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
