im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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