We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
