I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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