i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Holy sore nipples Batman
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
