sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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