guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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