i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
