Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
