the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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