Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
