Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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