You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
