eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
