Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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