Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
