Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
