He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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