i jhust puked up my retainher.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
