you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
