he shaved USA in his pubs
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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