you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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