a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
