On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
