Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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