she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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