So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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