You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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