A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
