just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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