plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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