I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
