cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
